Grief, Grit, and Growth: My Father's Legacy and My Own Path
My story is one of opportunity, mixed with divergence followed by grief to then transform back into opportunity and inspiration. My story is one that plays such relevance to the climate we find ourselves in at this time.
Growing up, I always knew I was a little different than the kids around me. I understood that what I experienced in my home and through my family culture was not very similar to the friends and faces I would meet in the first 18-22 years of my life. My father came from Mexico when he was 17. He had left on Mother's Day with some of his siblings seeking better opportunities. He lived in a few different states and not too far after, still very young, ended up meeting my mother. It is said that my mother helped him learn English better and during his early years, he ended up getting Citizenship. He used to tell me how the test he had to take was no walk in the park. I sometimes wonder if I were to take this test today, my probability of passing. I am known not to be the best test taker. Did it take me 2 times to pass the written driving test portion to renew my license? Yes, yes it did! lol
My childhood was created through the idea of taking any and all opportunities and making the best with them. Each year I grew, each year I was more determined to make my parents proud from what they could provide to me. Always knowing I was not quite the same as my peers, it would sometimes add pressure. There were many times of embarrassment. Why don't we have a big house? Why don't we have a fancy car? There were moments of really difficult navigation at such a young age. But that is not to minimize the memories of complete joy, complete pride. One of the best memories I have with my family was watching Michael Jordan lead the Chicago Bulls to six NBA championships. Friday night games meant all five of us surrounding the smallest TV you've seen, eating our favorite pizza, watching magic happen.
Early adulthood meant the opportunity, equally met with the weight, to graduate with a Bachelor's of Science degree in Civil Engineering. My siblings and I are one of the only few, not only in our immediate but extended family, to have college educations. At 18, I understood the importance of what this meant, what it could do for my life that did not exist for my parents. Just like my father said about his accomplishment of citizenship, my degree was no walk in the park. There were moments I thought of giving up. But tapping into those moments of joy and pride, I was able to achieve something so unique to my family.
Just before almost 10 years working in the "real world", and in combination with what I can only imagine came from the effects of the pandemic where we all questioned so much in our lives, I hit a breaking point. From the earliest moment I can think of, most of what I did in my life was for this greater purpose I felt indebted to. Grateful, yet indebted. How could a person feel both? This dichotomy of being so lucky to have the things I did get, to the fear of not living up to what my parents didn't have. Much like my culture, I always played this dual role. One second I am a little too Mexican for my friends, there are things they would not quite understand. Another moment I am too "werita" (refers to someone who is light-skinned, often with blonde hair and light eyes) which was a term my extended family jokingly called me a lot as my Spanish was terrible, I lived in a good neighborhood (in that small house) and most of my friends were not from diverse backgrounds. I broke down and decided then I was going to set goals that were all for me and only me.I would share these goals with my father frequently when we talked. I put my head down in 2020 when I turned 32 in September and started my new path.
In February of 2021, my father passed away unexpectedly at the age of 65. Nothing has been nor will ever be the same from this day. We all hear this phrase, everyone grieves differently and boy did I learn that such a hard way. I don't think I can ever talk about my father, think of my father without tears edging up, my throat thickening, my heart hurting. There was one thing I knew as soon as I was strong enough to get on the path I started, and it was that I was going to do things I told him I would. The birth of these wanted changes came from me, and it was topped with the pledge to him. I rewrote the order of operation when it comes to making someone proud. Do it for you. And let them be a part of your inspiration, but make sure the things you want most, comes from your heart.
On his first birthday without him, May 21, 2022, I received an official offer for a new role in construction technology that I was set on, making a significant pivot in my career that has only improved my overall well being. I told my father when he was living that I wanted to make this transition very badly. It was where I wanted to go as it felt more me and aligned with who I am as a person. Something tells me the stars aligned and he sent me that message on his birthday.
In March of 2023, I moved out to Virginia with my partner of 12 years. I had always lived in the midwest and when my father was alive, I told him I wanted to go live somewhere else for a while. I wanted to experience something different. My partner and I packed up our lives, hit the road and headed east. I know my father would like the new area I wake up to now.
I have one more goal to accomplish that I discussed with him and I know I am headed in the right direction. I have lived in my family home, equally that I have lived away, on my own. 18 years in a family home. 18 years on your own. I learned that at some point, you must forge your own path. I'd like to think he is looking down and watching me build and walk mine.
Sara O
